Morning comes, and I awake from a somewhat decent sleep (4:30 am today), thanks to the Klonipin I've been prescribed. Then reality hits. Another day of cancer. Another day of lightheadedness and drunk walking. Is it the Klonipin? The radiation? The tumors? WHAT is it?
Not to mention the lethargy and frequent tears...out of no where. I see a photo, recall a memory, think about my children, my home, my husband, my job, my friends, my dogs, for pete's sake! I read amazingly sweet and strong and comforting notes and emails and facebook posts. Then the tears come. Don't get me wrong...I'm not sitting over here boo-hooing non-stop and going through boxes of tissue...but they do come. And I am already tired of it. And yes, I'll be the first to admit, I AM feeling sorry for myself.
I know this is true for all people in my situation. I felt this way before, even. Before, when there still seemed to be hope for a cure - for remission - for a win.
I find myself Googling things like "when does crying stop following metastatic diagnosis?" Google has not helped much here.
So, this is where I am at this moment in time. Perhaps I need to be taking that Klonipin (anti-anxiety med) during the day. That's how it was prescribed, and it's not supposed to sedate me, but I think it does, and I don't like the idea of being drugged when I want to LIVE what life I have left. So I backed off of it during the daytime. I just need something to make this worry and fear go away. I plead to my Father, and He IS my Comforter, but I am also human and think of things I probably should not be thinking of.
Today's agenda: Brain Rads at 9:50 (lots of upbeat people there - I was one once - it's almost too much now, though), Dr. Bell at 3:15 to plan for chemo port placement, a visit to the Elders at Fellowship at 7:00 tonight for prayer, laying on of hands, and anointing with oil. If you so are inclined, be with us in spirit.
Be praying for Divine Strength and Peace and Healing - always HEALING. God bless you all.