Morning comes, and I awake from a somewhat decent sleep (4:30 am today), thanks to the Klonipin I've been prescribed. Then reality hits. Another day of cancer. Another day of lightheadedness and drunk walking. Is it the Klonipin? The radiation? The tumors? WHAT is it?
Not to mention the lethargy and frequent tears...out of no where. I see a photo, recall a memory, think about my children, my home, my husband, my job, my friends, my dogs, for pete's sake! I read amazingly sweet and strong and comforting notes and emails and facebook posts. Then the tears come. Don't get me wrong...I'm not sitting over here boo-hooing non-stop and going through boxes of tissue...but they do come. And I am already tired of it. And yes, I'll be the first to admit, I AM feeling sorry for myself.
I know this is true for all people in my situation. I felt this way before, even. Before, when there still seemed to be hope for a cure - for remission - for a win.
I find myself Googling things like "when does crying stop following metastatic diagnosis?" Google has not helped much here.
So, this is where I am at this moment in time. Perhaps I need to be taking that Klonipin (anti-anxiety med) during the day. That's how it was prescribed, and it's not supposed to sedate me, but I think it does, and I don't like the idea of being drugged when I want to LIVE what life I have left. So I backed off of it during the daytime. I just need something to make this worry and fear go away. I plead to my Father, and He IS my Comforter, but I am also human and think of things I probably should not be thinking of.
Today's agenda: Brain Rads at 9:50 (lots of upbeat people there - I was one once - it's almost too much now, though), Dr. Bell at 3:15 to plan for chemo port placement, a visit to the Elders at Fellowship at 7:00 tonight for prayer, laying on of hands, and anointing with oil. If you so are inclined, be with us in spirit.
Be praying for Divine Strength and Peace and Healing - always HEALING. God bless you all.
Patti
Patti, just a little while ago before I read this, I was mopping the kitchen floor and thinking about you. Sounds odd, doesn't it, that doing a simple, mundane task would remind me of you. But today it reminded me that you, and others in your shoes, would so love for such a mundane task to be the biggest challenge of the day. So then I must exercise that greatest opportunity of prayer, praying diligently and in full faith, that you will experience the miracle of healing and in the meantime, the peace that passes understanding. When you're too tired or feeling "prayed out," know you have so many friends standing in the gap for you. And I'm so grateful to see the support of your friends who are so genuinely loving you through this. God is good, all the time.
ReplyDeletePatti - I place you in the Father's hands several times each day. Rest in the Comforter. Ours minds are of the flesh and are amazing creations and that amazing creation normally does the what ifs and whys. Praying that they don't overwhelm you and that you are able to "take every thought captive." "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Cor. 10:4 & 5. How I love to camp on that verse. Wish I was better at taking thoughts captive and submitting them to Christ. How I wish I could be there to lay hands on you and anoint you with oil. Praying a hedge of protection around you for the spiritual, physical, emotional and mental battle you are in. Let the healing, blessings, and power of the Spirit flow over and thru you tonite. Will be joining in prayer and warfare at that time.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet Gwen and Kay- Friends who do not know each other (fellow Texans, though) and friends I have not seen in years (decades?). You have no idea how your words have buoyed me! I needed to read just what you wrote. I know I am in a battle, and not just for my body. Thank you for your faithfulness. I love you both dearly.
ReplyDeletePatti
I don't think of it is as "downer"...just keeping it real. You are on my mind constantly. I will be praying for today (and a quenching of your thirst!). Love you!
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