Currently I am recovering from my third round of Cisplatin and Gemcitabine. Nasty, nasty, nasty stuff, especially the Cisplatin. How do I know the Cisplatin is the worst? Because I have one week with only the Gemcitabine and that week is actually tolerable. The week following the Cis/Gem infusion, however, is one long, queasy, foul tasting, weak week. It's not called Sickplatin for nothing.
Of course, if it does its job, then bring it on...if not, then I've seriously wasted some precious time in the worst possible way. And that, of course, is the double edged sword of chemotherapy.
I'm still struggling with the emotional side of all of this. There are days when I feel fabulous and hopeful and those days are beautiful.
For example, about a week and a half ago a small miracle occurred here in Northwest Arkansas. Within about a six hour time span we received 2 feet of the most perfect snow I think I've ever seen. I felt like I'd gone back in time, and thus proceeded to wallow in some wonderful flashbacks of my days in Colorado, when I was young and vibrant and my life was in front of me. Endless possibilities (which did NOT include cancer, or any other debilitating illness, for that matter).
I LOVED that snow. I inhaled it, touched it, walked in it, listened to it, gazed at it, photographed it, and shoveled it as often as I could. I felt like it was a gift from God sent just for me. All those others who complained about it...so sorry. It was MY gift. One last big snow! (Not meaning to be morbid here - cancer or not, the chances of me seeing another snow like that are pretty slim.) I even enjoyed the 15 below morning temp and managed a (very brief) walk during that early hour. (I don't know which was the bigger miracle - the snow and flash freeze temps, or the fact that it reached the 70s the following week.)
|Sunrise and still 15 below.|
|Cold and early on Carley Road|
|For some reason she thought she should walk on the sidewalk.|
|I found another walking buddy.|
|Obviously, some kiddos in my neighborhood |
could use more practice at this.
Well that's been me for the past few days. On top of feeling like I've had the life sucked out of me, I've been fighting one heckuva pain in my right hip. Since I have scoliosis, back pain is not an uncommon occurrence for me, but this is something new and different and, yes, painful. I am praying it's nothing...brought on by too much sitting or something equally dull. I'd happily take arthritis or bursitis or something that won't kill me, please. But each time I sit or stand or roll over in bed and feel that shooting pain, I am frightened.
So please pray that this pain is nothing. Pray that I am slightly crazy and am overreacting.
I will visit the oncologist this Tuesday and, of course, will mention this to him. I am already scheduled for chest, abdominal, and pelvic CT scans on March 1, so I guess we will find out after that. It would make me happier than 2 feet of snow to know I have been the Queen of False Alarms.