Friday, January 21, 2011


After several upsetting, stess-filled, and sometimes nightmarish weeks, I feel like I'm back.  
...and I find myself almost afraid to say anything, lest I jinx things. 

I've been pretty verbal about everything going on over the past few months, and each time I get too happy or encouraged, that happy rug just gets yanked right out from under me.  I really hate when that happens...sick of it.  So that whole "jinx" concept keeps creeping into my thinking. 

I've always said that I don't believe in luck and am not superstitious, but maybe I'm wrong.  I think I do have superstition issues.  What is it about humans that we tend to do things like knock on wood, cross our fingers, wear our lucky underpants, or avoid things that might "jinx" us?  What the heck is a jinx, anyway?  I'm a Christian, for goodness sake.  I believe in God, in prayer (not the "Dear Santa"  kind, either), and in how Jesus Christ taught us to live.  Yet I still find myself afraid to say or do certain things in relation to what has happened in the past when I've said or done certain things.

Got that? 

This is how I'm thinking...
I've celebrated a variety of things concerning the treatment of this cancer in earlier blogs...and almost every time I celebrated the "good news", things later went south.  Pride goeth before the fall and all that, I guess.  Over and over that rug has been yanked, so, oddly, I've reached the point of being afraid to say anything.  Now that is superstition, if it's anything.

I've had so many twists and turns along this journey over these past 6 months, and almost all of them have been negative.  I am more comfortable being positive and optimistic, so in light of these past twists and turns, I find myself feeling more comfortable in silence.  I am not comfortable with the negative, to put it lightly.

It brings to mind the days when my boys were babies and I would, ever so carefully, put them to bed and then tiptoe out of the room, trying to be as silent and stealthy as possible.  Or maybe a better analogy is that of waking a sleeping giant. NOT wake up this giant.

Right now, I feel great (until chemo next week), have been healing nicely from surgery, am eating healthier than I've ever eaten, am enjoying daily walking and talking with God (and Cleo), am sleeping well, and am educating myself on every possible thing I can do to beat triple negative breast cancer.  That's a lot of positive and, I admit, I feel slightly uneasy in putting those good things in print.  Please let this rug stay right where it is.  No more falling down.

Thank you for your prayers, encouragement, kind words, and unlimited love.  That is one thing that has always been positive.  You all are the best and there is nothing that can change that!  Praise God!

Oh, and...

Knock on wood.


  1. Oh, Patti, I struggle with these same thoughts. I should be totally sold out to God but I find myself thinking "I am going to jinx myself" or "Things are too good, something bad is about to happen". I don't know what it is. I guess our human nature. And it is a reminder to keep turning it over to God. Easier said than done. Praying for you often!

  2. I think of it as the gift of Puritanism. I am responsible for the all the bad that happens in my life. The correlation then becomes I am responsible for all the good that happens in my life. This is not a Christian mind set. Never mind that I struggle with it every day! LOL! BTW, I use that rug analogy all the time. Enjoy what each day brings, and "do not worry about tomorrow."

  3. I was driving down the road, thinking of you today. Just read some of your blog to see how you are doing. Sorry you are not feeling well. Sorry you are having to endure such strong chemo. I'm glad your boys are taking good care of you. I will keep you in my prayers!