I should be celebrating today, but I just don’t have it in me. This has been one long nightmare of a week, but I think I am beginning to emerge…very slowly. After the last blog post, it seems, I just went straight downhill…and stayed there. Too long for this impatient patient.
I have been a shadow of myself this past week. And I don’t mean like Peter Pan’s crazy mischievous shadow, I mean like the gloomy, wet, dark shadows we’ve been seeing around Northwest Arkansas these past few days. The kind everyone and their dog wants gone. The weather and my health have been a perfect pairing. And, believe me, I’ve been just about as pleasant to be around…just ask David.
Truly, I don’t think my body could endure another big chemo infusion. My final infusion of Gemzar is this afternoon, but the Cis/Gem combo is history. THANK GOD!! I think it just about did me in, and this past week was proof of that.
I have spent more hours in bed than I ever imagined possible. More hours sleeping, whining, and crying, too. My poor family. When my sweet mom-in-law called to check on me, I think she was pretty sure I was near death…and I might have agreed with her. Bless them all for witnessing my complete and total loss of dignity and not running for the hills. Families are good like that, though, aren’t they? I can’t imagine going through this without them, both near and far.
So, as I gradually emerge and begin to remember what being upright is like, I return to the infusion room this afternoon and get plugged in for the last time. I will not be celebrating, but I will be praying (hard) to never darken their door again (other than the random port flush). I will remember those who have been in that room before me and who will not be returning, through no choice of their own. I won’t be kicking up my heels as I leave that place, but I will be ever so thankful for living.
Now let’s just keep it that way.
And I promise…
…more cheese next time, and much less whine.